How to spend your entire $1,400 stimulus check on Passover food
Your $1,400 stimulus check just dropped in your bank account, and with less than two weeks left until the first Seder, you must be wondering: “How can I spend every single dollar that the government gave me… on Passover essentials?”
As much as we love the dryly delectable taste of flour and water and the annual fight over whether your mother or your mother-in-law has more skillfully mastered the “Art of Brisket”, we sincerely hope this isn’t your plan for your slice of the stimulus pie. Just in case it was, though, we at the Forward conducted a thought experiment: What can you buy with $1,400? One caveat: What can you buy with $1,400 if your shopping options are limited to Amazon’s One-Stop-Shop Passover Store?
Well, here’s where you’d start with the notoriously expensive holiday.
One premium Passover gift basket for each of your three kids? That’ll be $359.70.
That’s right. For the “ultimate” basket full of pareve snacks certified OU kosher on Amazon, you’ll dish out $119.90 — times three. The basket includes matzah, egg matzah, holiday candies, a variety of macaroons, coconut bonbons, apricot jam, some fruits and non-alcoholic sparkling Kedem wine. Plus, ya know: some grape juice. Nothing too fancy. Just $119.
An adorable, meme-y T-shirt – matzah themed!
Burger King? McDonalds? Arby’s? It’s not kosher, but you know what fast food is? Matzah: It takes only 18 minutes to make. For just $47.98, two T-shirts could be yours — or shipped directly to your niece and nephew (there’s a men’s and women’s design!) You might even get a thank-you text from them that features the brand new matzah emoji.
Why is this cereal different from all other cereals?
For $11.99, you too could become the proud owner of a box of Original Crispy-Os, the delectable grain free, cholesterol free, fat free, (taste free?) everything-except-the-price free breakfast cereal.
Beef Jerky to last through the whole week – and then some.
Are you saying you’ve never experienced the thrill of spending $100 on beef jerky? Well, Amazon can turn all of that around for you, and just in time: Thanks to an aptly named company called Exodus Foods, you could have one-hundred dollars worth of variety beef jerky sitting in your kitchen, certified kosher and barbeque flavored. It’s a 24-pack, so our guess is that will last you a while.
With free one-day shipping, these six canisters of macaroons can be yours
Amazon advertises their deal on this Manischewitz snack dubbed an “Amazon’s Choice.” Imagine, two canisters of chocolate chip, two of almond, and two more of chocolate macaroons, all for $83.26.
Everything, Salted, Cinnamon Sugared… not Bagels, but Matzah?
At the Matzo Project, for $49.95, they’ll send you “practically everything we make in one box.” What they make, apparently, includes “two flavors of matzo, four flavors of matzo chips, a matzo ball soup kit, and matzo crumbs.” We satisfied all your matzah needs and clicked that “add to cart” button.
A six-pound can of gefilte fish. Yes, you read that right. Six pounds.
There’s 14 pieces of gefilte fish in this bulk can from Rokeach. The description? “Deliciously sweet recipe with just the right amount of sweetness.” At $29.88, you’ll have enough for the whole family — and probably then some.
“Can I get the lemon slices, please Mom? No, not the actual lemon slices!”
Barton’s fruit flavored slices — lemons, oranges, something green, something red? — are the kosher-for-Passover kids’ classic we all want to revisit as adults. Now that you have your stimulus check, go wild. $34.99 will get you a three-pack of this delicacy.
We know you can spend $5 on a liter of grape juice, but you could also spend way more than that.
For this Passover, nothing but the best will do for your family. And that might mean 100% vegan, gluten-free organic kosher-for-Passover red grape juice — in glass bottles. You’ll need the six pack. That’s $69.99.
‘Seder in a Box’ — one for each night.
All the essentials for creating the full Seder meal. For that you’ll need (of course you don’t actually need this, nor anything else on this list), a “Seder in a Box,” courtesy of Kosherific. Each one comes with a Seder plate, silverware, chicken broth, matzo ball mix, coffee, gefilte fish, sweet treats like macaroons, matzah itself and more. Everything you could want, for a total of $219.98.
Want to get fancy? Don’t get plain matzah. It’s time for Shmurah matzah.
For five boxes of handmade Israeli matzah, you can dish out $174.95, and still barely make it through Passover with your family. Might still need to nosh on some of the plain matzah in the gift baskets.
When you’re ready for a sugary drink, you know which doctor to bring in. (Hint: It’s not Pepper).
The classic 18-pack of Dr. Brown sodas will have your kids over the moon — or bouncing off the walls. This delicacy comes at $30, but if you get all three of the most popular flavors (black cherry, cream soda and root beer), it’ll cost you $99.12.
Oh! It’s a $28 store-bought gluten-free kosher for Passover cake. Oh!
It’s got seven layers but we doubt you’ll want all seven. This cake sold by “Oh! Nuts” is only ten ounces but it will cost nearly triple the dollars. On the other hand, maybe it’s worth it. The brand claims the cake will be your “chocolatey blessing this Passover.”
It’s a date! Well, no, it’s a date spread, but it may cost you as much as a dinner date would.
Play on words aside, if you’re looking for a pack of jam jars that happen to be date-flavored, Streit’s has you covered. It’s kosher for Passover and good to spread on matzah. We haven’t tried it but you’re welcome to (for $19.95, of course).
And for the remaining pocket change – file it away in savings for next year’s Passover cruise.
If you’re looking for someone else to take care of all the food, you could always sign up for a kosher for Passover cruise, complete with Chinese food dinners, kids day camp and daily prayer services. Although some of these resorts are hosting patrons this season– claiming to be “completely socially distanced” and COVID-safe – you might want to take some of your extra stimulus money and save it for a deposit on a 2022 Passover cruise.
That’s your $1400… congratulations! You’ve spent your stimulus check on Passover goodies. Enjoy the holiday — and don’t regret your decisions.