BINTEL BRIEFI have a crush on my rabbi. Is it OK to ask him out?
Bintel says sure, but know that your private life may soon be the subject of public conversation
Photo-illustration by Nora Berman
By Nora Berman July 20, 2023
Editor’s note: A number of rabbis contacted us after this story was published to say that dating congregants is taboo. We rounded up some of their comments in a follow-up story, which you can read here.
The Forward has been solving reader dilemmas since 1906 in A Bintel Brief, Yiddish for a bundle of letters. Send us your quandaries about Jewish life, love, family, friends or work via email, Twitter or this form.
Dear Bintel:
I’m a single woman and one of the rabbis at my shul is a single man. We are both straight and close in age. Sometimes our dynamic feels more like friends than rabbi/congregant with jokes, casual repartee and discovering much that we have in common.
I find that I’m developing romantic feelings for him. Given that we are both available, is there any scenario in which we could pursue a personal relationship? I want to underscore that I am coming to this on my own and don’t feel coerced or pressured in any way.
Sincerely,
Crushing on the Rabbi
Dear Crushing,
When I saw your letter land in the Bintel inbox, I practically leapt at the chance to respond! There are few things more delicious in life than having a crush, and when there is a real possibility that your crush might be mutual … even better.
You ask “if there is any scenario in which we could pursue a personal relationship,” and I want to first say clearly: Yes.
I don’t know of any synagogue that discourages its (single) clergy from forming meaningful romantic relationships with congregants. In fact, I know of at least two rabbis who met their significant others in shul (and many other unmarried rabbis whose machers are constantly trying to set them up). If you’re two consenting adults, you can flirt and date to your heart’s content.
Your “underscore” comment makes clear you are also aware of potential awkwardness because of the inherent power differential inside the congregation, which is important.
Before you take the plunge of perhaps asking the rabbi on a date, or at least sharing your feelings, there are a few things to be mindful of that could make a rabbi-congregant relationship more complicated than your average crush.
Think through all of the possibilities
It’s no fun to imagine the end of a relationship before it’s even begun, but given that your crush is a rabbi, and you are a member of his shul (which is also his workplace), I do think it’s important to think it all the way through.
I see three ways this could play out:
1) He says thanks, but no thanks.
The rabbi may well have his own rules against dating someone in the synagogue. If he’s relatively new to the community, he might want to settle in before risking the complications of a relationship with a congregant. Or maybe he’s just not that into you. Rejection sucks under any circumstances. But how would you feel facing someone who turned down your advance on the bimah during Rosh Hashanah?
2) He says yes, you date for a while, it doesn’t work out.
Same question as above: What happens next Rosh Hashanah, or the next? Could you handle going through a breakup with a public figure who is an integral part of your spiritual community? If you ended up feeling like you had to switch shuls, is that an option in your area?
Many of us need a considerable amount of distance from our exes in order to heal from a breakup, or to imagine being friends at some point in the future. When your ex is your rabbi, that distance will be impossible, unless you decide to attend shul less often, or leave the community altogether. Is it worth that risk?
3) He says yes, and it turns out you’ve met your bashert!
Cut to your new life as rebbetzin, Crushing, with your shul community — and all of us here at Bintel — beaming at you under the chuppah.
Spouses of rabbis are often expected to have a more active and public-facing role in the synagogue. They co-host Shabbat dinners, volunteer on committees and show up each week for services. People scrutinize your appearance. At minimum, you’d be sharing your partner with a larger community, who at any moment can demand their rabbi’s time for a shiva, a wedding or other spiritual crisis. Marrying a rabbi also means Shabbat and Jewish holidays are days filled with obligations, not time to focus on family.
For many people who are married to rabbis, these communal responsibilities are not an obligation, but a meaningful and enjoyable part of being married to a rabbinic figure. If what I’ve described sounds attractive to you, then you’d probably be well suited to being a rabbi’s wife.
I know that we’re in the realm of pure imagination here, Crushing, and you’re probably thinking “Bintel is getting a little ahead of herself!” But you wouldn’t have written to us if you didn’t see this crush as different from a typical one that might start on Tinder.
I encourage you to think through each of these scenarios and be scorchingly honest with yourself: Can you live with each of them?
Your relationship will not totally be private
The fundamental point is that dating your rabbi would not be a totally private affair. Synagogue-goers tend to see their rabbis as part of their extended families, and not infrequently overstep to express opinions on their private lives.
The two of you can try to keep things hush-hush initially, but if your flirtation ripens into a relationship, your fellow congregants will likely have a lot of thoughts about it. They may not hesitate to share them — or you may spend a lot of time wondering what they are saying that you cannot hear.
For some people, this is an absolute nightmare. Others are more comfortable living and loving in public.
Only you, Crushing, can decide if you’re comfortable with your fellow community members taking an interest in your love life — or if these feelings are so strong you want to pursue them regardless.
It certainly sounds like you and the rabbi have some “potential,” as my mother would say. Don’t forget Bintel when you’re sending out those wedding invites.
Signed,
Bintel
Do you have an opinion about this Bintel, or a question of your own? We’d love to hear from you. Email [email protected].
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