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The Schmooze

14 Purim Costume Ideas For The Lazy Jewish Girl

Purim is the holiday to beat all holidays. Excessive drinking! Tinsel-y decorations! Thematic cookies, objects that exist just to make noise, a steamy backstory about a female role model, and, of course, costumes.

We’re far from the season when Sexy Plumber outfits can be purchased off the side of the road, plus who the hell has time to participate in the male gaze, late capitalism, and polyester ownership on such a fine spring week?

Here are 14 Purim costume ideas that will keep you warm, relevant, and party-ready on March 20, in clothing you already own. Anyone can wear them, not just ladies.

The hat! The glasses! The candy-striped slit robe!

1. Mrs. Maisel

Shiny haired goy Rachel Brosnahan returned as housewife-turned-comedian in season 2 of “The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel”, giving you the opportunity to wear period-piece Jewish costumes. The options are limitless, candy-colored, and “Mean Girls” Halloween “Mean Girls” costume dictum-friendly. Wear a bikini! Wear a pillbox hat! Wear this flowing scarf dress thing! The world is your Upper West Side oyster.

You could also be Wedding Maisel or Fancy Maisel or Exercise Maisel. A great ladies couple costume is Mrs. Maisel and Susie — all you need is suspenders, a plunger, and unbridled rage! You are encouraged to carry around and swig from large bottles of alcohol for either of these costumes.

“You do/You don’t wanna be crazy!”

2. Jexodus

This week, the President tweeted a quote by 23-year-old Jewish model Elizabeth Pipko, the spokesperson of the new group “Jexodus,” which claims to be made up of Jewish millennials who are tired of the Democratic Party, though it was actually founded by a 56-year-old Republican operative. Dress as a Jew leaving Egypt, dress as a Jew making an exodus from America or Europe to Israel — dress as Elizabeth Pipko, or don’t dress up at all, because it’s not clear that this group really exists or has any members.

3. Group costume: All four Crazy Ex-Girlfriends

Dressing as all four iterations of Rebecca Bunch (especially as the final season of “Crazy Ex-GF” takes a victory lap) is the new dressing as the Spice Girls. Plus it could spark a great conversation about the complexity of personality disorders. Or just a conversation about the genius of Rachel Bloom, whose show is in full swing in its fourth and final season on the CW.

If you want to know if we were inspired by Jenna and Paul’s Halloween costume in “30 Rock,” we were!

4. Best friend costume: Natalie Portman Pre-Genesis Prize Controversy/Natalie Portman Post-Genesis Prize Controversy

Do you get it? She used to be considered pure and perfect by the Jewish establishment and ever since refusing to accept the Genesis Prize she is a “black swan”! We are proud of this one — it is topical while also being a throwback while also allowing you to wear a leotard and feathers. Don’t be afraid to bring a third friend to play this year’s dubious Genesis winner, Robert Kraft.

This is Elena doing an impression of Daveed Diggs in “Hamilton”!

5. Couple’s costume: Billy Eichner and Elena

Let’s see what we have here: two brilliant Jews from the creamiest crop of pop-culture who mostly wear warm clothes and are supposed to be out on the street anyway. Plus a ready-made excuse to ask strangers overly personal questions! Honestly, name a more iconic duo (for a dollar.) You can’t.

You do not need to be a man to experiment with being Jeff Goldblum for the night.

6.Jeff Goldblum

You should never, ever be afraid to dress for Purim as cultural icon and notorious sex symbol Jeff Goldblum. His style is distinctive, his affect is easy to impersonate, and his fame is legendary. Go for glasses, hair gel, a cigar, and a loud jacket, and people will begin confusing you with this gigantic statue.

There are no GIFs of Karlie and Ivanka together…yet

7. Karlie Kloss and Ivanka Trump

If you’d told us in 2008 that ten years into the future Ivanka Trump and Karlie Kloss would both be Jewish and would be in-laws, we would have laughed, and we also would have started planning our Purim costumes. But if you didn’t start back then that’s frankly fine, because any starched, structured modest gown will do for Ivanka, and any athleisure or petticoat will work for Karlie. The key thing here is to be as blonde as possible.

8. Netta

As Netta, Israel’s glorious Eurovision winner, you will be instantly recognizable in space buns, thick winged eyeliner, a pink robe, and a corset. If you don’t have these things, you’re not living responsibly.

This is just Ruby Rose, not Ruby Rose as Batwoman. We just love to look at her.

9. Batwoman

The new “Batwoman” TV show is going to feature a queer, Jewish Batwoman, played by Ruby Rose. To not go as Batwoman for Purim would be to give up an opportunity to wear a flattering, topical costume that represents a triumph of diversity.

The Schmooze wrote an article about how this song is mediocre and got a lot of hate!

10. Bring-a-non-Jew costume: Ariana Grande and Troye Sivan

Extremely bony pop-stars Ariana Grande and Troye Sivan are close friends in real life and both look like they shopped at a Goodwill before making their shared music video. One is Jewish, one was just engaged to a Jew, and both like to wear relatively cold-weather friendly clothing without ceding ground in terms of midriff display. Plus you can make use of all your spare kippah-clips.

Oy.

11. Family costume: Rachel Weisz and Daniel Craig and their papoose

This is what (some) families look like in America today: two exhausted, intermarried movie stars, their baby, and the taunting laughter of British agitator Piers Morgan.

The Goldstein sisters aren’t the Jewish “Potter” characters we wanted, but we’re grateful for them anyway.

12. Sister costume: Tina and Queenie Goldstein from “Fantastic Beasts and Where To Find Them”

These two Jewish witch sisters from the very expensive digital fan fiction of the “Harry Potter” world are the perfect cold-weather, vaguely-vintage costume option.

13. The college admissions scandal

So many options here, all of them warm and comfortable! Dress as any character from “Full House,” dress as a neophyte pretending to know how to play water polo, dress as a down-on-her-luck SAT proctor, or just dress as yourself because your parents didn’t bribe your way into college.

14. Hummus

Wear whatever you want. Eat hummus. Hand out mini hummus packets. Hummus never goes out of style.

Another version of this article was published in October 2018.

Jenny Singer is the deputy lifestyle editor for the Forward. You can reach her at [email protected] or on Twitter @jeanvaljenny

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